Why do many of us experience such resistance sometimes to initiating talking? What do we do when the very tools and skills we would turn to to work through differences, or to co-create new solutions to mutual problems, don’t show up in our tool kit in a given moment? For me, this is my job, my vocation, I’ve got skills and knowledge, and I certainly talk with a lot of folks about other things.

So what gets in the way of people talking with each other? Reflections on a recent experience and some trips into the research world suggest some of these factors may affect our willingness to talk.

We would be seriously remiss if we ignored what is right in front of us – the US presidential, congressional, and myriad local elections with so much at stake for how we live, work, and play together. When Debbie and I read that 47% of Americans believe a US civil war is likely in their lifetime (link https://maristpoll.marist.edu/polls/a-nation-divided/) the shape of conflict and how groups “do” disagreement took on an even deeper sense of urgency.

So, sure, we could have used up several hours on a topic and maybe found it interesting or seen other relationship benefits … but at the end of that invested time, we’d have no decision, no sense of progress, and the potential for increased frustration and distrust of meetings and all this “unproductive talk.” And meanwhile, the topic that really did need to be addressed by those present potentially languishes in the corner.

At Good Collaborations, what we’ve been finding ourselves more interested in lately goes beyond DEI(B) campaigns or initiatives, beyond a particular office or lead, to ask of every single thing we do both internally and with our clients – who’s here, who’s not? Who benefits from this way of doing things, who doesn’t? Whose “normal” way of doing things is reflected here, and whose isn’t? What would this look like if someone else was leading the way, building from their lived experience and knowledge, focusing on aspects they’d consider most important?

Struggling with reactive responses in conversations? Tips on how to recognize your reactions, create space for reflection, and understand both the other person's perspective and your core needs and learnings. Reactivity can be harmful, but we can learn to manage ourselves, de-escalate the situation, and work to ensure a more productive future conversation.