Turning Reactions Into Gold

There I was, doing “that thing” I don’t want to do when talking with someone. Feeling sick and anxious, and still doing it. And why? 

Well, I was reacting. And when we are reactive, we may tend to freeze into inaction or pretend we don’t know what the real issue is, often out of fear of having an overt disagreement. Or maybe we tend to fight back, insulting the other person with what they did that was “equally wrong,” recalling past harms or even inventing new negative interpretations for their motives on the spot (we are so resourceful!). Or maybe we apologize (whether sincerely or not, whether or not we understand what we’re apologizing for, or why) or give a quick “you’re right” and push onto another detail or the next topic.

That all assumes we haven’t just fled the scene, maybe with a great parting shot which we hope will not come back to bite us. But if this is an ongoing relationship, none of that will work in the long run. When we have ongoing relationships that matter, reactive conversations can be really harmful. And especially for us introverts  who would really need a little more time to figure out what we really want to say, those quick responses can definitely make the situation worse.

So how can we turn our reactive impulses into gold? A few of my favorite tips:

1. Figure out whether you can personally de-escalate enough to stay and listen, or whether you need to make a plan to listen later. 
   
   What physical cues do we give ourselves to help recognize that we’re in reaction mode? For me, I tap into tight throat, high voice and rapid speech … that tells me I need to take a breath and mentally step back. My body is asking the important question, “am I safe?” And if I cannot respond soothingly in the moment, “Safe enough,” then I need to step away from the situation. If this is an ongoing relationship and I’m stepping away, it’s best if I can manage a “I’ll connect with you later about this, need to take a break/pause” etc. on my way out the door. 
   

2. Recognize that your reaction is giving you important information which you need to honor with your attention and presence … when you can really give them.
   
   When we’re operating out of “reactive” parts of our brain, it’s hard to tap into communicating well or working together to solve a problem, to say nothing of analyzing what’s really going on. But our reactive brains don’t react without a reason … what’s your story around what just happened? What was triggering about it, what in you is impacted by what happened? How does it relate to past harms or experiences? We often need to carve out space to reflect on what’s happened and why. 
   

3. If you do stay, be grateful for the signal that this interaction matters, and seek to understand what’s happening from the other person’s perspective.
   
   The car that cut you off, the person who was rude, the inconsiderate stranger – they often don’t seem to be worth the time to try to understand or deal with. But for ongoing relationships, dealing early with “content” that provokes a reaction can help prevent ruptures, break-ups and greater harms down the road. And if this person matters to you, no matter how much you may disagree with what they just said or did, compassion and care for that person mean you need to try to understand what’s happening from their perspective and why. All the models and gurus are right – at some point, we have to listen well and deeply as a first step to making anything right. 
   

4. With whatever info you have from being with yourself and the other person, try to name what core needs are present in this situation.
   
   We can’t solve problems that aren’t named … or we “solve” the thing that wasn’t an issue in the first place. So, really … what matters most about this interaction to you and the other person? If you think they need respect but what they really want is cooperation, at best you’ll be solving half the problem … but you won’t know that unless you or the other person can identify what most matters. You may not resonate with all the vocabulary or philosophy behind it, but I love the needs list folks in the NonViolent Communication world use to name and be in touch with these deeper things that matter – maybe make your own list to use in the future? 
   

5. Name your learning and practice what you might do the next time “this” happens.
   
   Whether you go back to listen again and problem-solve with the other person, or choose a different follow-up related to the original situation, to really reap gold we need to build conscious competence  around what we learned about ourselves and being with others. What did you learn, and/or what are you still working on related to this? How can you help ensure you meet the needs you identified the next time something like this arises? Say it out loud, how could you respond if the same thing happens again?

What is the gold for you, this time?